She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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