Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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