you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
