I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
