i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
