I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
