So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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