I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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