He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
