I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
