he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
