Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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