I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i wish my penis had a tongue
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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