Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize