and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Randomize
