Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize