I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
