i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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