I faked an abortion last night.
farters have to be the big spoon...
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
