On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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