i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
