Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
