Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
