I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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