Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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