I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
