I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize