I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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