Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
