We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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