I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
