Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
