I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
