so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
