I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
