I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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