I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
