I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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