apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
