My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
