On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
