the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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