Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
