Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I FOUND THE LEGS
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
