So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
