I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
