Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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