I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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