and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
