I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
FUCK WHALES
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