I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
