Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
