I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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