I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
There's always time for handjobs
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
