I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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