I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
