hell yes lets make some ravioli
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
