ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
