Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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