Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
