Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Oh god it's open bar.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
