i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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