i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
